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Friday, January 31, 2003

too much
Burnsy524: so whats the boyfriend doing now? SPILL
limelightlover7: boyfriend?
limelightlover7: sorry, no one by that title at the moment
Burnsy524: wow you didnt tell me that
Burnsy524: since when
limelightlover7: right before christmas break
Burnsy524: im sorry
limelightlover7: yeah well
limelightlover7: it needed to be done
Burnsy524: so you got your sights on anyone now?
Burnsy524: like me :-)
download "Always Her that Ends Up Getting Wet" by John Mayer... best version of "Your Body Is a Wonderland" that I've heard. It's just acoustic guitar and bass, and it hasn't been all overproduced like the version on "Room for Squares." John Mayer really is at his best when it's just him and his guitar. I wish he wouldn't let producers mess with his songs.
fact: the Gladys Knight and the Pips version of "I Heard It Through the Grapevine" is MUCH better than the Marvin Gaye version- I love Marvin Gaye, but it's the truth.

Thursday, January 30, 2003

my politics teacher was wearing a republican elephant pin today. that sucks, because now I'm going to be extra-cynical of everything she says.

KEV: don't worry, we still be keepin it real down here in newport. I hope my fellow Ruff Ryders are still getting money, working out on playground equipment and what not...
trying to figure out what I have gained from this fruitless little obsession...
here's the answer: NOTHING. I started out perfectly happy and lost everything.
for what?
a lovely way to kick off the day
why is it that every time I talk to Lee it feels like another breakup? Each time I get an updated list of my flaws and why he can't stand whatever terms we are on at the moment. Also, I have discovered that being honest gets you jack shit. This may not be a very good moral lesson, but it's the truth. Honesty just pisses people off or hurts them and you are better off keeping it to yourself, even if you feel guilty.
He'll understand when he goes to college. maybe. or maybe I really just am as worthless as I'm being told.

Wednesday, January 29, 2003

rob is funnier than i am
Auto response from SwaPBravo: How you know when u suck at telling jokes:

Laura: So do you wanna come up to my room, you know, for a little anthropology lesson?

Me: Do you mean anatomy??

Cleaning this godforsaken hell hole of a room. I think i found a homeless lady.

Leave one!
deep thoughts with megan estey
do you know what's a weird word? model. say it out loud. go ahead. now say it again. keep saying it. doesn't it sound weird?
today in precalc we "unleashed the power of the cartesian coordinate system." you can imagine my excitement. I sit between a boy who looks like Ben and a girl who answers every single question with "indepedent and dependent," which, honestly, is usually the answer to the question. however, at least Brandon ("call my cell") hasn't talked to me yet, and maybe won't...
idiot moment of the day
who bought the wrong book for her basic music theory class- a $60 book which cannot be returned because someone took the plastic off?
details are still uncertain, CNN will keep you updated as they are revealed...

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

I just remembered that time at the market
you snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
and rolled down aisle five
you looked behind you, you smiled back at me
crashed into a rack full of magazines
they asked us if we could leave
can't remember what went wrong last september
though I'm sure you'd remind me
if you had to
our love was comfortable and so broken in....
-John Mayer
I may stay at Salve solely so I can continue taking voice from the same guy... even when I suck he says something like, "Megan, you have to go through the process. Things will smooth out in a few lessons." I love him.
and I'm eating cheesecake right now. all seems to be right with the world.
lust, angst, and other prescriptions
man, I'm now at the pathetic point in our technologically advanced age when I get pity blogs- that's right- from boys who have rejected me. check it out.
new levels of lameness are being reached on a daily basis here at estey headquarters, tune in next week to watch megan waste more time on unwilling subjects and wonder why she is so unhappy (it is not her fault of course, even though all of the unhappiness is self-inflicted and -perpetuated).

Monday, January 27, 2003

waiting for the time when I can finally say
this has all been wonderful, but now I'm on my way
but when I think it's time to leave it all behind
I try to find a way to
but there's nothing I can say to
make it stop
could you pencil me in when you can?
though we both know
that the worst part about it
is I would be free when you wanted me
if you wanted me
if you wanted me...
-John Mayer
so I'm hanging out with Erik last night and he has to go talk to the editor of the literary journal because he's doing the photography for it. so I go with him and they're talking about artsy stuff and I'm not really paying attention, and later on when I'm in his room doing homework she calls again and they talk about some more layout things and I'm still reading until... he tells the girl on the phone to hold on and asks me if I've submitted any poems to the journal. when I said no he goes back to the phone and asks her if they are still taking submissions, because "you know that girl that I brought up to your room with me? She's a poet, and I think you should take a look at her stuff."
A poet! Me!
That's the first time anyone has ever called me a poet without using the word "little" (as in "oh, you're such a little poet") or in some other way making it sound like it's just a cute hobby. I don't even refer to myself as a poet... I am someone who writes poetry, but it has always seemed a little arrogant for an eighteen year old girl to refer to herself as a "poet"...
but someone else thinks I am, and thinks that my writing is worth something!
of course, this was dampered ever so slightly by the fact that this was said to me by the same boy who, last night, felt it necessary to tell me more times than I could count that while he does like me, he is not going to date me. contrary to popular belief, I do not have a hearing problem or learning disability of any kind, and I understand these things when they are told to me the first time. That is not to say that I enjoy them, or even accept them possibly, but I do understand.

Sunday, January 26, 2003

we drink orange juice from champagne flutes
I'm not sure why-
probably it's because my parents got a set of them for a
wedding present
but as long as I can remember there's never been so
as cooking sherry in our house.
we drink orange juice from champagne flutes
and chocolate milk from wine goblets
and the ashtray shaped like a pair of hands
on the living room bookcase
is merely decorative.
my brother put a candle on it once,
but the wax melted down over the edge and splattered
on the collection of Louisa May Alcott novels.
I think that's the only candle we've ever actually lit.
we have a hundred matchbooks
and a hundred candles (gifts, tied with metallic ribbon)
but nothing ever gets lit.
I found this extremely funny and disturbingly accurate... enjoy
to the tune of "if you're happy and you know it"
if you cannot find osama, bomb iraq.
if the markets are a drama, bomb iraq.
if the terrorists are frisky,
pakistan is looking shifty,
north korea is too risky,
bomb iraq.

if we have no allies with us, bomb iraq.
if we think someone has dissed us, bomb iraq.
so to hell with the inspections,
let's look tough for the elections,
close your mind and take directions,
bomb iraq.

it's "pre-emptive non-aggression", bomb iraq.
let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb iraq.
they've got weapons we can't see,
and that's good enough for me
'cos it's all the proof i need
bomb iraq.

if you never were elected, bomb iraq.
if your mood is quite dejected, bomb iraq.
if you think saddam's gone mad,
with the weapons that he had,
(and he tried to kill your dad),
bomb iraq.

if your corporate fraud is growin', bomb iraq.
if your ties to it are showin', bomb iraq.
if your politics are sleazy,
and hiding that ain't easy,
and your manhood's getting queasy,
bomb iraq.

fall in line and follow orders, bomb iraq.
for our might knows not our borders, bomb iraq.
disagree? we'll call it treason,
let's make war not love this season,
even if we have no reason,
bomb iraq.
-the evil queen
the song is "Bathtub Gin." To come later... all the songs which sample old classics and I recognize them.... which makes me feel smart.

example: Salt n Pepa's "Let's Talk About Sex" uses the hook and other bits from "I'll Take You There" by the Staples Singers. Bet you didn't know.
Phish is not pothead music
and neither is Jimi Hendrix, contrary to whatever Conley and Collins (aka "COOL" Dan and Pete) think. Originally when I started listening to Phish it was just because I felt an obligation to as a Vermonter... but I quickly realized that it is actually very good music, and there are more levels to it than one might think. I felt like an actual music connoisseur the other day when I noticed a quote of Rhapsody in Blue in one song (when I remember which one it is I'll write it). There are so many people here who sneer at anything that isn't on the Billboard Top 100 or something, including some really brilliant stuff. I just like music I guess, and I don't worry too much about what category it's in...

Saturday, January 25, 2003

Miley food is awful. Even brunch. Seriously, how hard is it to keep from ruining brunch?
last night we all went to see "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind," which was pretty good but very strange... it has been so long since I went to the movies. I missed it a lot. I made the mistake of sitting between Laura and Rob so I was in the middle of all their random acts of violence. I felt like a mom.
We came back and ordered obscene amounts of food from Domino's and watched "Remember the Titans" which was fun... I decided to be a considerate roommate and sleep down there as Lauren was home for the day and Nick was here so I figured he and Kristen would rather be alone... It was rather funny, though, when Shitter and Erik came back from their party to wake up Laura and found us in the same bed. Boys have such an obsession with the lesbian thing, I just don't get it.

Friday, January 24, 2003

Here is what I did last night:
-followed Laura around for a long time because that's what I do and she's not annoyed with it yet.
-bonded with Maryann and Pfeif over my issues of the moment.
-thought about making Rice Krispie Treats but realized that would involve going back into my room and so put it off for a later date.
-watched "The Bourne Identity" with Mike, Erik, Maryann and Shitter/Ralphie/Raffi while drinking red wine and eating Via Via pizza, followed by downloading Raffi ("Baby Beluga") and listening to the Jerky Boys make prank calls.
-borrowed a pair of Mike's socks because my feet were cold, and subsequently forgot my flipflops in his room.

On the whole, it was an unusually dramatic yet successful evening.
Remember the show Bill Nye the Science Guy? I swear to god, my precalc teacher IS Bill Nye. I have never considered myself too bright for any math-related class that I've been in, but this one... well it's a whole other story. The kids in my class don't even know what you would use parentheses for in an equation- seriously! I did this in junior high! I don't understand how you can get into college without knowing how to balance an equation or what the order of operations is. My mom always gets mad at me when I make disparaging comments about the student population here, because I DID choose to go here... but so much of the time I feel like I'm trapped in a bad movie. Of course, when I'm in my honors classes I feel like I'm the dumbass of the world, but it's an interesting contrast.

Thursday, January 23, 2003

you'd do best to
shut your mouth
blend in
don't make a
don't you
know the white
man (like a snake) kills
he's afraid?
Lauren brought me hot chocolate and candy while I was working at the desk in Hunt tonight, what a sweetheart... see, I don't need boys. I can just have very good friendships and be a hermit.

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

I blame the fact that I spend so much time stressing over boys on the fact that I was a precocious reader and began reading adult material in fifth grade... kids in elementary school do not need to think that their life is going to revolve around various romantic debacles. Save that for junior year English maybe. Or never at all.
first day of classes, and I start off at 8:30 with 19th century New England lit. this should be an adventure. I was up until 2am and I don't have the energy to even go into it... but rest assured I will spend a good eight pages on it later in the day...
three for three.
and now I'm headed downstairs, preparing to be shot down for the third time in a week and a half... but safe is boring, right?

Monday, January 20, 2003

back to school
back to school
to prove to dad that i'm not a fool
i got my lunch packed up
my boots tied tight
i hope i don't get in a fight
back to school
back to school
back to school...

Sunday, January 19, 2003

I did not expect to cry when talking about leaving Lee tonight. I did not expect to be all that affected by it one way or another, as I know I will be back before long and we've done this goodbye-have-fun-at-school thing at least eight or nine times since September. I guess before I always knew that he would be here waiting for me when I came home again, and this time I don't know that. In fact, until I can sort my shit out, I won't ever know that. I told him I still want him to visit me in RI, but I've realized this may be rather tricky, as Lee stated tonight that when/if he met Erik he would "break him in half."
Aren't you supposed to feel flattered when people are competing for your attention? I really don't. Actually, it isn't so much anyone is competing as it is Lee threatening someone he's never met. Someone who probably doesn't care too much one way or the other... god, when there isn't enough drama I have to create more. I should have a reality TV show.
If I had a reality TV show, no one would watch it.

Saturday, January 18, 2003

Last night was a very good night. Apparently Lee spent all morning yesterday calling to hang out with me, which one would think would conflict with his declaration of "you make me miserable, I can't see you anymore." Of course, one would only think that if one had not resigned themself, as I have, to the fact that we have THE most messed up relationship in the history of mankind. No exaggeration. I compare it to two drrug addicts trying to get clean, except the drugs that we are addicted to are eachother...
regardless. Although I told myself I wasn't going to, I of course went to see him at the bakery. Emily and I went over to Jason's for awhile... it was kind of weird as usual. I'm always happy to see Jason, but I feel out of place because we can never stay the night, so we can't drink... which is unfortunate, because I think I'd have a lot of fun at those parties if I could drink. It was very weird though, all these guys that I went to elementary school and junior high with but then went off to prep school were there, and I barely recognized some of them.
After we left Jason's, Tommy met us in Bristol and they dropped me off at Lee's... so I spent another night with him, after resolving to hold on to the last thread of pride I had... I sure do love that kid though.
AND, when I got home I had a letter waiting from Minneapolis... so today has been pretty good overall. Of course, it's only noon.

Friday, January 17, 2003

but on a brighter note, I got a letter from Lauren today with awesome pictures... I can't wait to go back to school.
I've changed completely, I make him miserable, he doesn't want to see me anymore.

Thursday, January 16, 2003

one more reason to love Laura Marini
she sees my side:
Laura2802: exactly... woooah, erik is dating molly again
Laura2802: actually, i wouldnt put that past him... how do you feel about that
limelightlover7: i'm not surprised at all
Laura2802: and she is comin down for valentines day!
limelightlover7: yeah
limelightlover7: it sucks, but what am i going to do? i have no claim on him either
Laura2802: yeah but man, he has some nerve... i would think he would be with YOU then

ok, this is the last post with me bitching about these two for awhile. I can't be mad at him for not wanting to spend it with me, because I want to spend it with Lee... of course, it isn't like HE wants to spend it with me either. but whatever. I have inside connections with Ben & Jerry's. They'll hook me up.

ok, so maybe it really IS impossible for Lee and I to be on good terms, ever. I asked him several times if he wanted to hang out with me today and he said he was too busy and had too much work to do- which I understand, because his exams start tomorrow. But then he was at the gym with Emily and showed up at the basketball game... so I don't get it. If he doesn't want to see me, fine. But it's not smart to lie to me about it and then go where I am... plus my favorite girl EVER decided to sit in front of us, and the DH was there in all her dirty ho glory... it's getting to the point where I don't want to go anywhere because I invariably wind up in uncomfortably close proximity with girls who have contributed to the complicatedness of my life... not to sound like a teenage drama... things could be much worse than they are. I wish I were over this thing with Lee during Psych, he isn't my boyfriend so I don't really have any justification for being upset... but it really hurt. And it still hurts to think about it. I think it pisses him off that it upsets me, because he doesn't think I have a right to be upset about it either.
Whether or not I have a right to, I'm hurt. And it sucks a lot.
so I guess the DH asked Lynn what I knew about her and Lee... mwhaha, I know EVERYTHING, and how lucky you are that I'm not the vengeful, violent type. (well ok, vengeful maybe, but I'm really not enough of a bitch to ever act on it) However, the boy may or may not be upset with me, I received a rather cryptic email from him today.
from Carin's profile (I laughed):
"I have decided that I might as well date my homework. I spend all my time doing it or thinking about it. Plus, I spend 5 out of 7 days with it behind me, pressing on the small of my back......"
so my mom woke me up at an ungodly hour this morning and told me that I needed to do my entire UNH application today because we are going to visit on Saturday on the way back to Salve. (Durham, NH, by the way, is by no one's concept "on the way" to Newport, RI) So now I have to waste a perfectly good day with college bullshit, and now this means I have to waste tomorrow packing all my stuff to go back to school. Of course, it is 12:30 and I haven't actually done anything today, and I'm probably going into Bristol and Middlebury to get my paycheck in a bit... I should teach a class on procrastination. I could have a frickin PhD in it.

Wednesday, January 15, 2003

lfortin69: come over
lfortin69: sleep in
limelightlover7: honey
lfortin69: honey
lfortin69: you have used that alot lately
lfortin69: lots
limelightlover7: i have used what a lot lately?
lfortin69: you;ve just picked up on the cute names all of a sudden

because I'm lame, this is the only thing I had the energy to post at the moment.
oh, and this:
yomomsyo: It was great conversing again, sorry I couldnt last longer
limelightlover7: no prob
yomomsyo: I save my stamina for other areas

I didn't have the heart to tell him he's got some pretty big shoes to fill.
limelightlover7: how was st croix?
Burnsy524: really good
Burnsy524: would have been better if you were with me.
boys. no more. please just leave me alone and let me become a hermit.
just got back from Lee's... I am still so in love with that boy it is absolutely murder. Every time I'm with him I want to make some dramatic scene (Lord knows I love those) and ask him to take me back... I'm not sure what is stopping me. Basically the only reason I think it's a bad idea to jump back into it right now is that I know when I go back to school I'll have to deal with the Erik thing, and it's better if things aren't more complicated than they have to be. I really have to just let it all play out and be done with. It's not going to be an issue once we're out in May, because we're both transferring and Minnesota is quite a haul from Vermont, so we're not going to see each other again. I can deal with this. But knowing that when I go back he's going to be RIGHT THERE, as in two flights of stairs down, and basically available to me (except for whatever ramifications this whole him dating Molly again thing has)... well, again. Just have to let it play itself out.
A comment from Lee tonight that really stung, but I deserved: "I don't know which would be worse. Spending Valentine's Day without you, or spending Valentine's Day with you."
Em and I went to the basketball game in Middlebury for awhile tonight, I was hoping Mike wouldn't see me there but I'm pretty sure he did. I don't want him to think I have this obsessive crush on him and I'm stalking him or something... I'm over it for the most part. What remains is a slightly bruised ego, and a pervading feeling of lameness knowing that he probably told Ali about my confession and she's laughing it up. I saw all three of the girls I didn't want to see today at Mt. Abe - the Ice Queen, the Dirty Ho (we'll not use her real name here to avoid a Mary Deegan... but she knows who she is), and Ali the Gamesmistress. I then had the pleasure of running into the latter two AGAIN in Cubber's with Em and Jason.
But! It was very exciting to see Jason. Apparently he is hooked up with some sixteen-year-old tenth grader who's fresh out of rehab from Shoreham at the moment, which is a little sketchy... but otherwise I think he's doing pretty well. I am definitely psyched to go to school with him next year. When he came in today, Lynn said, "Hmm, he'd be quite a catch." I responded with "I'm going to try to not ruin more than one platonic friendship this week."
Alas. I'm friends with the good guys, but I want to date good guys, but good guys want to date skanky girls and I'm not a skanky girl (at least I can be thankful for that). But seriously. It's a concept I don't understand. Along with boys in general.

Monday, January 13, 2003

very funny sites I discovered tonight because I have too much time on my hands
girls are pretty
the evil queen
megan 11:40 PM
Linkin Park was playing on the radio as I drove home from B&Js. While I sort of hate Linkin Park, it always reminds me of the night I went to Montpelier with Jake, Mike, and Lance... good times. "What the hell's a Solon? 'Solons fly over Eagles?' No they don't!" "this parking lot is junk" "what do you mean Montpelier doesn't have a McDonald's?" "this is MY car foo'! get out!" I hope I haven't completely demolished our friendship in my moment of bad judgement. We always have so much fun together. I've been thinking about it, and I've come to the conclusion that, since I only wanted to kiss him, it was just about me wanting another first kiss. You know that rush you get the first time you kiss someone? I just wanted that, and it wasn't necessarily particular to Mike. He was just an available target (or so one would think).
I feel a little better having that straightened out.
Lee came and hung out with me for awhile tonight at B&Js. Every time I see him I am reminded of why I dated him for so long (actually I have never forgotten). I'm wondering this: if Lee had never found out about Erik, would I have still broken up with him? If Lee had never found out, would I still have kissed him? Part of the reason that I sought comfort from Erik was the fact that Lee was so angry with me. This drove me to Erik, because HE wasn't mad at me, and HE still liked me... and, most of all (Lee's biggest disadvantage in this whole scenario), he was there.
I'm sure Lee and I will get back together. I don't know when, but I'm sure it will happen.
You know how in movies there are always the two guys- one who you can tell is completely wrong for the girl and another who is completely right but she just hasn't discovered him yet? The problem is that these roles seem to keep switching....

from Erik last night:
limelightlover7: sorry, i just feel like i've been coming off sort of aggressively and i don't want to annoy you
limelightlover7: it makes me uncomfortable when guys are like that to me
yomomsyo: haha, Im not annoyed at tall...but I must warn you that I am dating Molly again, though Im sure we will part whence I leave for school, we had a long talk today
limelightlover7: yeah
limelightlover7: i expected that would happen
yomomsyo: she is going to come out to Salve for Valentines day, and then that will be that
yomomsyo: were going to New York that weekend though I believe
yomomsyo: so as to avoid any awkwardness in the dorm

and from Lee this morning:
just wanted to email you and tell you I was thinking about you, like I do everyday and to tell you that I love you and I hope you have a good day. Call me later if you feel up to it I should be home all day, talk to you later I hope,
Anything for my angel,
your cowboy

seriously now. one of you needs to be the good guy and one of you needs to be the bad guy.
or maybe I need to give up boys.

Sunday, January 12, 2003

PuertoMis: Hey you were not shot down! He just doesn't know you well enough to appreciate you! Think of it now as an opportunity to find someone better! Don't put any of this on you. You do not deserve it. Just cause he likes the skanky "I sleep with anything with legs" type of girl doesn't mean you should feel bad!
PuertoMis: Megs you are GREAT! I am heading to bed now though. I will talk to you later. Take care and remember "none of this crap on you" it is totally him!
Someday I will be funny like this
By Nick Stolle

George Washington actually told many lies. I don’t mean to scare you; but it’s true. He lied all the time. Well…maybe not actually lied….but I know for a fact the man told his fair share of half truths. SUCH AS!

-One time at a colonial McDonalds, George ordered a number 4 value meal. (Ye ole Big n Tasty with McPowdered Wig Fries). He was charged for the cheaper number 3 value meal. George noticed the error…and said nothing.

-George told a biographer one time that his teeth were made of wood. To this day, that is the belief. But George was just joking. Nobody’s teeth are made of wood.

-George not only cut down that cherry tree….he spat on it.

And, oh, that Abraham Lincoln… Did you know this about your beloved President Lincoln??

-He wore a beard because it covered up his lower lip piercing.

-He wore the stovetop hat because….well, his head was actually stovetop shaped. He was mocked throughout his entire childhood. And then one day he saw the hat in the store, and BAM! Next thing you know, the guy’s president.

-His wife, Mary Todd, was given such an unusual middle name because at birth, her parents weren’t quite sure if she was a boy or a girl.

-Abraham would often brush his teeth before bed…eat a sandwich…and then retire for the evening. WITHOUT REBRUSHING.

What about Chester Arthur? Yes, yes…we don’t hear much about old Chesty, but he pulled his share of boners, too! BONERS!

-Chester’s wife, Ellen, often wrote in her diary of his chronic laziness. He had servants lace his shoes for him…bathe him…and in one especially embarrassing incident, eat a sandwich for him. Chester was very hungry one night…but didn’t feel up to eating the sandwich. He asked his servant Clide to do it for him. When Clide explained that if he ate the sandwich, the president would still be hungry, he was fired.

-In addition to his laziness, Chester was also quite the gambler. One time he lost the White House in a game of Rummy. His Secretary of State James G. Blaine had to win it back for him so he’d have a place to stay.

Hey! Remember Grover Cleveland? Y’know, the Big Blue Furry President? Well, allow me to rock your world with the following information about ol’ Groves…

-Because he never went to school, he had terrible, terrible spelling. One page from his memoirs: “Itts reel fun bing the prezdant. I git to hav big pardees with tukseedos and ballrum danzeeng. Me want be prezdant frevr!!!”

-Grover was president during the dedication of the Statue Of Liberty. As we all know, the statue was a gift from our friends, the French. At the dedication ceremony, Grover wanted to make a good impression by using some French words in his speech. However, the aide he asked for help with this was a notorious prankster. He told the president what he was teaching him was an old French way of saying, “Thank you very much.” Unfortunately, that was not so. What Grover really said that day was, “I will eat the statue. I hungry! I president! I eat all of you.”

Dwight D. Eisenhower. Surely old Ike was a clean-cut type guy! Right? Right? Wrong.

-He was from the future.

-He was actually nine feet tall. Photographs have been doctored to cover up his freakish height.

-He once ate an entire pepperoni pizza by himself. Then he got really sick and threw up on the White House’s pretty new carpet. The maid scolded him.

-He slept in an enormous doghouse that said “IKE” over the doorway. He loved that doghouse.

This is just a sampling of some of the crazy stunts our nation’s leaders have pulled over the years. If you knew the whole story…well, chances are you’d all be socialists. And THE MAN doesn’t want that, now does he?

¡Viva la revolución!

received yet another invitation from Lee to spend the night. I told Emily yesterday that while I appreciate her support in all my dumbass endeavors, I need her to tell me when I'm being stupid and to keep me from doing stupid things. She said, "I don't think you're being stupid. You're much happier this morning than you were last night." This is true, but that is partially due to the fact that I was no longer screaming at Lee for pseudo infidelities. and also (as pointed out to me by Danny) I am a much nicer person when I'm not sexually frustrated.

Saturday, January 11, 2003

found on another blog
dbj thinks:
Forget all your dependancies on pharmacies and pharm-assisted solutions...whenever I have a problem such as acne, or diarrhea or random thoughts of violence..I ask the best darn pharmacist in the world for the remedy. My friend and yours, Jesus Christ. He'd always laughed and say how I was a wasting his time and how I should "seriously" consider following another diety...That's Jesus, always with the jokes.

whew, man, that Jesus...
and do you know what else? it looks like I was bit by a frigging vampire. yes, I did just use the word "frigging" and no I'm not going to go back and replace it with something more intelligent sounding.

well maybe I will later.
John Mayer Quote #2 of the Day - from "This Will All Make Perfect Sense Someday"
And if it ever gets bad
I mean really bad
I'll move to Nova Scotia
Forget the life I had
I'll be up at 9 each morning
Down by the shore
Collecting things that fell off boats in storms
Well ok so I might never
But it's nice to know the option's there
John Mayer Quote #1 of the Day - from "Why Did You Mess With Forever?"
You ask to kiss me once goodbye
but you already did on somebody else's lips

Tell the tiny chemicals
the ones you hold responsible
they lost me
you lost me
Now everything inside me tells me I should run to you
and throw my arms around you
Hold your steaming crying cheek against my own
and tell you nothing's wrong

But wrong is what you were when you forgot
that we were going on
that we were going on
that we were going strong

Tell me why did you,
why did you mess with forever?
What a long time
to be unkind
Tell me why did you mess with forever?
Urrrgh.... head hurts neck aches nose stuffy mouth dry stomach queasy....
and NOW I have to go to work! Jubilation!

Friday, January 10, 2003

although several rather shitty events occurred today (including but not limited to a confession of my feelings to Mike, answered with "uhh.. thanks." and the discovery that Lee fooled around with some girl DURING Psychology like three days ago), I did repair my friendship with Matt Miller today. This was good. He does not hate me, as much as Lee would like me to believe he does... we had a very long conversation, mostly about sex and our conflicted feelings about it. Seriously though, when you're a teenager, is it ever NOT about sex? Man. hormones suck. I could be out of all these shitty complicated situations if not for my damn hormones. I can't even imagine what it must be like to be a guy.
"I want all that stupid old shit
like letters and sodas
letters and sodas..."
-"fuck and run," Liz Phair

Thursday, January 09, 2003

PLUS, I just found out that Carole Ann is going to Brown next year as well. This reminds me of what bad terms I am on with Sam. Actually, that's sort of a joke because in reality we aren't on any kind of terms at all. I haven't seen him in well over a year, and I haven't had any contact with him for at least seven or eight months. All that aside, I'm pretty jealous because they're probably going to spend lots of time together and consequently become really tight, inevitably leading to the "I met your father at the Governor's Institute on the Arts" story... seriously, I thrive on drama. It might be some kind of disease.
still no letters.

however, feel slightly better about the Mike situation. not that anything has actually changed but hopefully I will know more tomorrow. the latest saga in my self-created soap opera continues... (here's where I start speaking in the third person) Megan foolishly (albeit predictably) abandoned all resolutions to herself and went over to Lee's this afternoon, where she did have a good time but feels slightly guilty now. During this visit, while Megan was relating her triumphant bonding with a boy whom she had never spoken to before today, describing their conversation and his helpful advice, Lee responded with "well that's because he wants to bone you." (classy) When pressed about this comment, it was revealed that this statement was made, verbatim, to Lee no less than a day ago. One would find this odd, as Lee is Megan's ex-boyfriend and still rather protective of her, but apparently this is a) not an uncommon statement for random boys from Megan's high school to make about her to him, and b) not an uncommon scenario between two males in the world in general.

I'll tell you this much: if I ever even hinted to one of MY friends that I would enjoy pursuing tawdry activities with one of their former loves, it would not be a minor issue.

non sequitur: I smell like Lee's cologne, which makes me feel both nostalgic and sad. And guilty, because I also feel relieved.

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

twas very nice to hang out with Emily and Tommy again today. I don't see Emily as much as I would like due to the boyfriend, but I know how it is. And she doesn't blow me off for him.

On another note: grr. I am quite frustrated but am not sure I actually have a right to be... it isn't really fair for me to expect Mike to run after me when I am not really considering a serious relationship with him. As as much as I dislike Ali, if she makes him happy then he should be with her. I'd be a bad friend to wish otherwise for him. I don't like the games she plays with him, but again- if she makes him happy... on the other hand, I don't like getting thrown over for anyone. Especially when the girl is who she is, and the guy in question is one of my best friends to begin with.

But of course, I brought this on myself. I don't need any more complicated situations than I have already.
how come I'm not getting any letters?

Tuesday, January 07, 2003

just got back from the basketball game in Winooski and shopping with Emily... lots of fun, spent much too much money but that's ok. What am I working for, anyway? We met Tommy at Bove's and had a very very good dinner, a "date and a half" as Tommy referred to it, quoting the inimitable Baser... and then off to the game, where we sat with Mike during the JV game... he was very sweetly awkward, in that "I sort of like you and so I don't really know how to act" way. It was cute. I'm not sure where I'm at with that whole situation, but I do know that I need a) a distraction from Lee, which can't be Erik, and b) a distraction from Erik, which shouldn't be Lee.

Monday, January 06, 2003

two more weeks here. I don't think I'll make it.

Sunday, January 05, 2003

the latest literary masterpiece inspired by yours truly (WARNING: if you are easily offended, you should probably skip it)
as found on Eric's (Lee's best friend) IM profile

Bee Bee Brownie and I drinkin' a little bit,
Sittin' in the hottub thinkin' about shit,
Hootin' and hollarin', you know, being bad,
Shoutin' out jokes and names of girls we once had,
Trudgin' through the mud of the female confusion,
Comin' up with answers and a general conclusion,
Asked an age old question and we both had to think,
Hold up a minute Brownz, I need another drink,
Slipped on the ice, steamin' body but I'm back,
There's only one good answer for a question like that,
So I says to him I says, about a messy situation,
When it comes down to it, it's all about penetration,
When she hides under covers and doesn't show a thing,
Tear those sheets off her and sling the ding-a-ling,
When you're only there to please, give it without denial,
There's no shame in your game, so do it porn-star style.

step over shakespeare.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Life Lessons Learned While Working at Ben & Jerry's
as compiled by Megan Estey and Lindsay Reilly

1. At least once a day, someone will ask you if we make sandwiches.
2. As soon as you think you're home free, someone will come in and order three Vermonsters.
3. A customer will always come in at five minutes to closing.
4. Closers are, more often than not, late for their shift.
5. Someone will always feel the need to ask you what is in "Mint Chocolate Chunk" and why it isn't green.
6. Someone is always going to get mad at you because we don't have any sugar free ice creams.
7. Someone is always going to get mad at you because we no longer make the ice cream they want.
8. "If you have time to lean, you have time to clean."
9. If the store is actually clean and organized, you will not be able to find anything
10. No matter what your closing looks like, Justin will yell at you. Even if he is no longer employed at the store.
11. Susannah will always get mad about something that she never taught you how to do. You should know anyway.
12. NO ONE ever dips cones or makes cakes.
13. Don't piss Darcy off. She can save your ass or sink you. Or fling chocolate at you.
14. Lindsay and Justin should never work together. Period,
15. No matter how many times you explain it, there will always be at least one employee who cannot figure out how to do one of the following: voids, gift certificates, or cash out.
16. At least 24% of the kids who come into the store have no intentions of buying anything. They simply want to sit in the booth and be very, very loud.
17. Joe Isenberg spends more time in the store than any of the employees. However, he has never worked here.
18. The second you put food in your mouth, or place an order for food, a customer will come in.
19. When scooping for a group, the customers often think it is helpful to list all of the thirteen different orders they want at once.
20. Yes, we are still out of applications.
21. Manager? We have one?
22. Recycling doesn't get taken out. Ever.
23. The cow car has not worked five out of the seven years we've had it.
24. Family Fun Nights suck, and are basically pointless.
25. It will always rain at the One World One Heart Festival. Don't even imagine it any other way. You WILL get covered with mud, and most likely you WILL be miserable. However, if you behave yourself and don't make it too obvious that you are not doing any work, Chris and Jason might take pity on you and let you go backstage.
26. The store has never been inspected. That's an urban myth.
27. So are secret shoppers.
28. Staff meetings consist of Justin bitching, making fun of Susannah, and Susannah implying that we might all get fired.
29. Defrosting the dip cases is a five person, three day job.
30. You will hear the following at least once during your employment: "The Full Vermonty? So, one of you scoops it and the other one strips?"
31. When there is a line out the door and someone has just ordered a hot fudge sundae, you will discover that the person who worked the shift before you used all the whipped cream and didn't make any more.
32. As soon as you are done scooping someone's order they will either: change the size, the flavor, or if they want it in a cup or on a cone.
33. At least once a day, someone will get mad at you because you didn't employ your psychic powers to see that they ALSO wanted a coffee, a brownie, or an additional scoop of another flavor.
34. A customer will always wait until after you've scooped the ice cream to tell you that they wanted a topping, so you have to change the cup size.
35. No one will ever understand that we are out of Nerds or white chocolate chips: "But they're right there in the display!"
36. Any time Megan and Ben work together, there is bound to be a disaster or emergency of some kind.
37. Half an hour after you've flipped the signs, someone will always try the handle and knock on the door with a pleading look on their face.
38. Middlebury isn't actually a real town. And no one cares about the Middlebury Ben & Jerry's. We don't really count.
39. Yes, there ARE people who are crazy enough to buy ice cream when it's negative thirty degrees and there's a blizzard outside.
40. You will never, ever, ever get fired for anything, so spit in the ice cream all you like.
41. Justin's mantra for new employees: "It's not tricky, just do it."
42. Nobody ever checks the answering machine.
43. Believe it or not, our phone is not a public phone. Try using the one across the street.
44. No matter when you drop off an application it takes an average of one month to hear back about it, even after you have called the store several times to check.
45. The bulk list and cake list rarely get updated.
46. Scoopers always forget to do the ice cream inventory and place the order. We receive a phone call inquiring about this on a weekly basis from Jamie at Vermont's Finest.
47. Gifts never get restocked.
48. Customers never want whatever model/color/size of a particular gift we actually have in stock.
49. WFAD will never stop giving away the New Flavor Sampler certificates, no matter how many times we call and threaten them.

Saturday, January 04, 2003

all of the snow in the world has decided to have a convention in this particular corner of the country, which means that on my one day off this week I am confined to the house with my family. I have a strong grudge against snow, as it repeatedly and consistently ruins my plans, especially when I have traveled home eight hours by bus just to be here for one soccer game and it gets cancelled (ok, it only happened once, but once is enough).

Friday, January 03, 2003

and can I tell you how very very much I love Laura Marini?
can I tell you how much the Newschannel 5 weather guy annoys me? He smiles way too much. "Well folks, looks like we're going to have a good eight to ten feet of snow over the next few days (grin, grin). Hope you have lots of soup and sweaters, 'cause it is CHILLY outside." Prime example of a guy who is not just a tool- he's the whole Home Depot.
yesterday I had a very long conversation about billboards with the guy from the bike shop that I hate, the one who comes into Ben & Jerry's every single day and orders hot chocolate and complains because he doesn't like the way I make it. Since our steamer is broken, I am blessedly saved from having to make hot chocolate OR cappuccinos of any variety. However, Mean Bike Shop Guy's solution to this is to order decaf coffee (which is painless enough because all I have to do is put the little cup of coffee grounds into the machine) with a ladle of hot fudge. this is easier for me and makes me hate him slightly less, which means I am slightly nicer to him. In any case, we bonded in some fashion over a discussion of Act 250 yesterday, and today he left me a $2 tip for a purchase of 98 cents. So now I have learned that Mean Bike Shop Guy, like many people, can be won over by a liberal amount of sucking-up.
This entire event has also helped me realize how many fake nice conversations I have, and how often I am fake nice to people. You can tell when I am having a real conversation because I am much more sarcastic. And I make many more disparaging comments about people who aren't present.
I have a hickey. It's kind of embarrassing.

Thursday, January 02, 2003

self-involvement leads to...
as all I wrote about on the other blog was myself anyway, I decided it was time I created my own. voila.