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Friday, February 28, 2003

so I get the following guestbook entry for my website today:

Name: star_girl
Referred By: Web Ring
Comments: Okay, you have the right idea, but I am using the same site as you are to put up my site and mine looks better. Not that I didn't like your site or that I'm trying to brag. Anyway besides the looks your site is pretty cool. My site is:

and ok, whatever, that's cool, she's entitled to her opinion... but it really annoyed me. First of all, I have never claimed to be a master website creator- I know a minimal amount of html, basically limited to italicizing, line breaks, and links. This being said, the point of my site (as stated very clearly) is to read writing by teenagers- and though I am guilty of using it mostly to post my own work, its purpose is not to be some exciting web design. So I went to this girl's site, just to check out what she thinks is so hot about it.
I laughed my ass off. There are some charming pictures of rocks and a daisy on the left side of the page, but I decided this couldn't be the sole reason she was so proud of it. I then read the things she had written, starting with "The Begining" (no, that is not a typo- this is how she spelled it). This piece amounted to an essay on how she has always known how talented she is at writing and how she is going to put this talent to use by writing a fantasy story. It also included a list of the movies she has seen over the past few months and a thrilling tale of how she changed high schools and ultimately began homeschooling. My favorite part is that she constantly misspells the word "writing" and "writer," some pretty essential words when you're talking about your writing skills.
I may sound like a bitch, considering that this girl is only a freshman in high school, but it just pisses me off to have some kid criticize my stuff when she can't even spell "appreciate." I sure as hell wasn't spelling "writer" with two "t"s in 9th grade, and she shouldn't either- at least not if she's going to follow it with an essay about what a talented "writter" she is.
Ok, easing out of superbitch mode, and off to bed...

the mere idea of you
the longing here for you
you'll never know how slow the moments go
till I'm near to you
I see your face in every flower
your eyes in stars above
it's just the thought of you
the very thought of you
my love...
-nat king cole

Thursday, February 27, 2003

something funny I was thinking about today: people from connecticut and other mid-atlantic states throw around the word "girlfriend" in much different contexts than we do in vermont. girls down here tend to refer to their female friends as "girlfriends," which is something we do not do back home. when someone in vermont calls a girl their girlfriend, it means that they are involved in a romantic relationship- even if the person using the term is also a girl. but of course, that's coming from the proud home of the civil union and the "take back vermont" campaign.

non sequitur: I really wish that I were artistic so I could take an art class and carry my paints and pencils etc. in a fishing tackle or tool box, like all the other cool artistic kids. I suppose I could carry an empty toolbox around just to feel cool, but when someone asked me what class I was taking I would have to admit that I am thoroughly unartistic and my toolbox is empty.

my parents always try to tell me that I AM artistic because I sing and write, but the thing is, nobody really believes you when you tell them you are a singer or a writer. when you say "oh, I'm a writer" or "oh, I'm a singer," people pretend like they think that's interesting but really they are thinking "RIGHT... everyone thinks they're a poet... anyone who's ever sang 'happy birthday' considers themself a singer."
I know that's what I am always thinking anyway.

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

conspiracy I say
has anyone else noticed that rocker Lou Reed bears a striking resemblance to actor William H. Macy? and isn't it funny that you never see photographs of the two spending time together?
question: suppose I do something very good in respect to another person, even though I don't want to, but I know it is the right thing to do. does the fact that I am still congratulating myself for what a good person I am diminish the value of the initial act? because really, what's the point of doing good things if you don't KNOW that they're good? right?
(yes, I keep typing "food" in place of "good"... freudian slip)
and I really think it's unfair that just because I am aware of things like this it makes me appear endlessly self-involved. not that I am not self-involved, but certainly not endlessly so.

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

anthem for spurned junior high girls everywhere
what'd you think that I was gonna do
curl up and die just because of you?
I'm not that weak you know
what'd you think that I was gonna do
try and make you love me as much as I love you?
how could you be so low you arrogant man?
what do you think that I am?
my heart will be fine
just stop wasting my time
and now I know that you will be ok
and I've got what I want
and that's rid of you
and it's not that I'll be missing you that makes me fall apart...
-barenaked ladies
and another thing
when you are eighteen years old it is about time you grow up and stop blaming other people for your problems. when something is wrong in your life, here's what you do: think about what you, yourself, can do to fix it, and then DO IT! it is immature to put other people at fault for things that are no one's responsibility but your own. so stop whining and own up to your mistakes, and for god's sake don't try to make it about someone else's character flaws. maybe you should spend a little time mending your own.
I'm looking through you
where did you go?
I thought I knew you - what did I know?
you don't look different but you have changed
I'm looking through you
you're not the same
your lips are moving, I cannot hear
your voice is soothing but the words aren't clear
you don't sound different
I've learned the game
I'm looking through you
you're not the same
why, tell me why did you not treat me right?
love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight
you're thinking of me the same old way
you were above me,
but not today
the only difference is you're down there
I'm looking through you, and you're nowhere!
-the beatles

Monday, February 24, 2003

more true than one would think.

Saturday, February 22, 2003

one of my pet peeves: people who refer to soda as "pop" or use "coke" as a generic term for soda. if you order a coke, I'm going to bring you a cola beverage- when you say "may I have a coke" there is absolutely no reason for me to ask what KIND of coke you want, because coke=cola. and "pop." seriously, who says that? my grandmother calls it "tonic," but I think that is mostly a massachusetts things. she also refers to chocolate sprinkles as "jimmies" which is all well and good until someone tells her that it's a racial slur and she gets shot in a bad neighborhood of her pretty little boston suburb.
but in any case: call it SODA. coke is a KIND of soda, and when you ask for coke you will get coca-cola/pepsi/generic cola beverage. if you ask for tonic you will probably get a weird look and then a glass of tonic water (which, for anyone who wants to know, is pretty gross, and I know because I dated a boy who had an obsession with tonic water with lime and I did not share his enthusiasm).
while we're on the topic of american dialects, let me go into ice cream for a second. working at ben & jerry's, I have heard so many ridiculous terms for various frozen desserts I could write a book. for example: if you ask for a milkshake in Vermont you will receive an entirely different beverage than you will receive if you ask for a milkshake in, say, Massachusetts. If you want a Vermont milkshake in Massachusetts you have to ask for a "frappe." There's the soft serve/creemee debate. And then you always have the crazy people from Georgia who come in and ask for "water ice" (meaning sorbet).
the pop vs. soda debate
top 10 benefits to winning the nobel prize

Thursday, February 13, 2003

I am a world-class BSer. seriously. this morning in new england lit I compared Hawthorne to the tv show MASH... and got away with it! not only did I get away with it, my professor thought it was a very insightful analogy and was impressed.
one of the really annoying things about attending a catholic university is that we can't say anything even remotely critical of organized religion without lowering our voices, for fear of a nun overhearing and running to her direct telephone to God: "that's a third strike for miss estey, let satan know to be expecting her..."

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

some days are diamonds
some days are rocks
-tom petty

Monday, February 10, 2003

this too shall pass
never having been the subject of juicy rumors before, I can say for it this: it is a learning experience. but if I find out who is spreading lies about me, there is going to be a lot of trouble.

Saturday, February 08, 2003

went into Newport this afternoon with Lauren, Laura and Rob... it was a good time, despite the fact that it is pretty freakin cold and people in Rhode Island have no idea how to cope with snow... i.e. plowing, shoveling, sanding, etc. What a concept. We shopped for fun Valentine's Day things and went to lunch at Aidan's, where Lauren complained about the service but she is really picky about restaurants always and it's why we love her.
everyone was a little annoyed with me and Rob while we were walking to the party last night because we were singing RENT the whole way... I believe they are actually just jealous because they don't know the words. But I bonded with Cleveland Mike on the way back and he kept me from getting hit by cars, which was nice of him. I have such a hard time with guys because I always feel such a deep level of affection for all of my friends, male or female, and when it comes to guys I have a hard time making the actual separation between affection and attraction. Not saying that I can't have platonic friendships, which I do and they're awesome, but it gets confusing sometimes.
on another note: I can't wait for next weekend. I am very very excited.
wow, I had SO MUCH fun tonight... finally feel like I'm really in college. I will wait till the morning to write more as I am a little tipsy, for now I will go to bed after trying my boy... au revoir...

Friday, February 07, 2003

tell me I'm brilliant
discovery: the theme phrase in Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue is a slight variation of the phrase which would later become the melody for Gershwin's "The Man I Love."
after spending an hour trying to do my music theory homework and knowing that it is quite possibly completely wrong, I needed to feel like maybe I know SOMETHING about music...
further evidence that I am a hopeless music geek who no one will ever love
in music theory last week we learned about something called the movable C clef- which is crazy, because you move this thing around on the staff and it CHANGES where middle C is. what's that about? so here I am thinking that my teacher is on crack and he just made it up completely... but in chorus tonight we were running through a piece by Handel and there it was! a motherfucking movable C clef! I was so excited that I choked on my own saliva and starting coughing and had to leave the room.
I am a horrible horrible person who thinks horrible things are funny. I can't even talk about it here because people I know read this and I don't want them to know how truly horrible I am.

Thursday, February 06, 2003

we're back together!!

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

more deep thoughts with megan estey
I made an interesting discovery today: the lines "each dream can be made real, for tomorrow we die" in "Tripping Billies" (which, by the way, I quote all the time because I think it is very cool) actually do not exist... the real lyrics are "eat drink and be merry, for tomrrow we die."

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

you know that kid in the wheelchair on Malcolm in the Middle who talks with huge gasping breaths between each word? there is a girl in my politics class who talks like that, for real.
I am a horrible person. I think it is endlessly funny.
limelightlover7: i do not like boys
limelightlover7: very much at all
PABlakeslee: thats okay, I don't like girls
limelightlover7: we can have a club
limelightlover7: the "i don't like members of the opposite sex" club
PABlakeslee: sounds good to me
Stage Age 17
what do we do
with this little girl we look back upon?
she is standing there, tiny fists clenched and waving,
and I just don't know whether
to pat her proud little cheeks
or try to teach her
what it will mean to be arrogant
without being beautiful.
I don't know how to explain
that when her beauty comes she will have learned
to be without it,
and her face matters less as her mouth matters more.
do I give her a blueprint,
a fifteen year horoscope reading,
try to steer her
from the mistakes she's destined to make?
I think I will just
pat her on the head,
release her
to run around in her own chaos,
and say
you will learn.
the day after I tell him it wasn't worth it
the pictures may be coming down.

Monday, February 03, 2003

only to a vermonter would 42 degrees feel like a heat wave.

Sunday, February 02, 2003

last night at about 10pm:
[phone rings]
rob: ooh, can I answer it, can I answer it?
me: sure.
rob: [picks up phone] hello, thank you for calling megan's room. this is rob speaking, how can I help you?
emily: [on other end of line] uhh... may I speak to megan please?
rob: just a minute, let me find her. [yelling, as I am sitting three feet away from him on my bed] Megan? MEGAN? oh, here she is.
me: hello?
emily: wow, I really didn't expect a boy to pick up your phone.

it is nice to have friends. I like it.
Burnsy524: you'll have to take a small hike with me this summer i promise you'll enjoy it
limelightlover7: i'll take it under consideration
Burnsy524: good
limelightlover7: but when you say small, you'd better really mean small
limelightlover7: like i won't die
Burnsy524: yeah i know you well enough
limelightlover7: hahah
limelightlover7: what's that supposed to mean?
Burnsy524: that means your fragile and i must take care of you :-)

no no no
nothing is the way I want it, but I am surprisingly content
this has been an interesting weekend. Friday night all the boys came back really trashed at like 2 in the morning, and I made the mistake of going downstairs to say goodnight to Erik later on... he had a girl in his room, I don't know who, but it was kind of awkward. I shouldn't really have been surprised or upset by it, but it was definitely not a situation I wanted to find myself in.
however, I decided there was no point in worrying about it (and also Lauren knocked some sense into me by explaining that I am bringing this all on myself). He and I went to Stop n Shop etc yesterday afternoon and actually had a very good time... so I have come to the realization (albeit very slowly) that I really just need to give myself some time to get over it, and then we have the potential to be very good friends.
I keep telling myself I should take down the pictures of Lee, but I can't bring myself to do it. why...?

Saturday, February 01, 2003

if I get one more anonymous call on my cell phone that begins with the phrase "I want to fuck you up the ass" or something comparable, I'm going to a)explain to the caller that I am a hermaphrodite of some variety and he is wasting his time, and then b)change my number.
yes, I did cry if you're wondering
oooo no
here comes that sun again
that means another day without you my friend
and it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself
and it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else
and its so hard to do
and so easy to say
but sometimes
you just have to walk away
walk away

so many people to love in my life
why do i worry about one
but you put the happy in my ness
you put the good times into my fun

and its so hard to do
and so easy to say
you just have to walk away
walk away
and head for the door

we've tried the goodbyes
so many days
we walk in the same direction
so that we could never stray
they say if you love somebody
then you have got to set them free
but i would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery
they say that time, will make all this go away
but its time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterday
and once again that rising sun is a droppin on down
and once again you my friend are no where to be found

and its so hard to do, and so easy to say
but sometimes
you just have to walk away
walk away
and head for the door
you just walk away
walk away
walk away.....
just walk on
walk on
turn and head for the door....
walk away
-ben harper